Let's Try to Keep This Steady, Now.

Oh my goodness gracious I have not written on this in forever.

Mainly because I've become absolutely obsessed with tumblr.

But I've gotten your comments and I thank you for them!

So. What to talk about.

Oh! Well for one thing I finally got a job!!!!!!!!

It's at Culver's, which is this neat chain of burger/frozen custard joints. The food there is excellent and I am excited to be working there!!

Also on Thursday I have a job interview for Sears, so hopefully I can get both jobs fully up and running. Oh to have money and a bank account again!!

I've been reading more lately!

L. M. Montgomery makes me cry so much, especially in the later books, when we meet Walter. I don't know what it is about that name but I love it so much; every literary character named Walter I adore, and least the ones I've met so far.

I believe you meet and absorb so much more than others believe. I think you can roll around in bed with a song and confess secrets to characters in books or movies. I believe that the stars above are ethereal beings of wisdom. I don't care what the scientists say, they are, and Caspian married one.

The main point of this being that I forgot how good books are to me. And Anne Shirley is probably one of my favorite ladies ever (aside from Ms. Gaga!). I can daydream on my own and not feel silly. I can speak in the tongue of purple prose and ignore those who would look down their noses at me for it.

Screw a semblance of normality, I'll take eaves dripping with faerie dust as the echoes of childhood call across valleys.

That's another thing--I forgot how to look at things. Observing them with the right mindset is half the point of telling a successful story. And we should enjoy the nature we have left.

I need to gain self-discipline again, control the parts of my mind that affect the mishaps in my life.

Statusi specifica--stop thinking about things that would never actually help me. aka...the boy.

Love is important, but I'm not ready and there's a part of me that knows deep down that it's not going to happen.

I do want something, though. Not necessarily from him, but from someone nice. I wonder if I could have a one-night kiss. Nothing sexual, just something wonderful for me to sigh about later.

I'm going to improve my vocabulary. This tumblr-speak thing has to stop.

Sometimes I feel like I should go off the grid for a bit.

God, if I could. In a year I'll make my move, even if it's just traveling across the USA for a month. I don't want to feel so ashamed about not being so "caught up" with normal people. So I let it slack that I didn't get a permit until I was 19, so I've only had one job for 9 months a year ago. So I sucked at school and didn't go to college.

Fuck all of that. I am going to believe that there is a higher purpose for me again, and that all of my laziness is going to be for a reason, now that I'm deciding not to be lazy. That everything will end up being good and maybe even wonderful.

There Was A Point To This, I Swear...

So, I'm tired of being depressing.

I think my lack of a decent non-vampire sleeping schedule is the problem (not that there is anything wrong with vampires, I love them, I used to want to be one, but right now I like the image of me, older, dewy grass and gardening and making a home and baking love and such. I know, I'm sentimental.).

So I went to sleep around 9:41 last night, and woke up at 6:32 this morning! Yes!!

And as of now it's 7:40.

Let me tell you all something--I am not a breakfast person.

I adore mornings, but breakfast? Not so much. I just don't feel like opening my big fat mouth to absorb things before noon. Now, don't get me wrong--I love breakfast foods. Just not at breakfast time. That's why some of my favorite dinners were when mom mixed it up and we had "Breakfast for Dinner" nights.

Now, when I was younger, my family used to have breakfast together pretty regularly and it was a big cooking bonanza deal, with dad blaring Larry Norman or the Beatles or CCR or whatever else he felt like that morning. Mom would be chopping the potatoes for home fries, while also whisking up some eggs and frying bacon and then using the grease from the bacon to make gravy and putting biscuits in the oven and do not come in here it is a warzone just let me cook in peace!!! being screa--I mean. Being said every few minutes. Sternly.

Don't judge her on that, though. You'd do it too if you had five kids to feed and a husband who blared random oldies throughout the entire house.

Anyway, it wasn't that bad, but it was busy and loud and of course us kids would set the table and get everyone up and help with the biscuits. It was great.

So those types of breakfasts I can do.

I realize, of course, that for the past five or eight years I've been ignoring the mantra that is forcibly pushed on every schoolchild in America--Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

And Rachel Ray says that you should eat like a king for breakfast, a queen for lunch (no, that wasn't a gay joke. It could be. I do have "hagging rights" but I don't use them. Much. Anyway.), and a pauper for dinner. It's a good formula. I should use it.

But I just don't. Rather, I haven't. Starting today (yes, today), I am a new woman. I am accomplished. I am happy. I am striving to be more than what I am.

Today, I have goals.

Today, I will have pancakes.

Oatmeal Cookie Pancakes.

At first I figured we just couldn't do that because we need buttermilk and raisins and I'm at my grandparents house so while I know they have 32446313424 baking materials, I got on good word from a source that we don't have either of those ingredients so I was bummed for like two seconds.

But I told that source about this recipe and showed her it, and she (okay I will admit that the source is just my grandmother) agreed that we must do this now.

Did you know that buttermilk is just milk and a little bit of vinegar? Crazy.

This also means that I can make my snickerdoodles.

Rejoice to the Morning Gods, the Baking Gods, and that feeling you get at the start of something new.

Shlickyshlickyshwack

My favorite word when I was fifteen was "sublime." I hadn't heard of the band yet, because I was still very CCM, but I probably would have been obsessed with them if I had.

There's something about being a freaky eccentric non-Taylor-Swift fifteen year old that makes you emotional, stoic, and very into the dark and mysterious world of words and poetry and tragedy. Yes. You are both emotional and stoic.

It's circumstantial.

So there we are.

When I was sixteen I had moved to a new state and was still very "into" vampires. Ohhhh yes. I was/am a Twilight person. Anyway, because I loved vampires I would wear my black and red rockstar clothes with my hair all crazy and awesome, and dark rings of eyeliner with bright red lipstick.

Like two weeks later girls started to do the eyeliner/bright-red-lipstick thing. Copying? Maybe. Was I a narcissistic bitch about it? A little.

When I was ten I was a severe Christian who hated Halloween and anything not God-related.

I'll be twenty in August.

I expect I'll love throwing outfits together and wearing clunky random jewelry and throwing my hair up in different decades. And I'll be writing, and watching (not to sound like a creepy stalker or anything). I think that I'd like to go to Italy or France next year. Africa is still a definite destination. And I'm coming to love Spain too.

I don't know what this post is about, really.

LOL, FER SHERIOUS YO.

This is Big

This is huge. Gargantuan.

I'm torn into so many pieces right now, but all of my pieces are racing towards the same finish line. I need help, I need people to be charitable, and I need answers, but I have it. I've got it. I can see it, I can see the buzz it creates, I can understand how it affects others. I'm both praying for a kind, wiser soul than mine to help guide me, and that no one finds out about it. But I know that this is such a good thing that I don't care how it gets created, just that it exists. So kind, wise soul, if you want to take this idea and mold it into something greater than my vision, do so. Because it's for good, and although I have realism in my scope, I love the idea of this big, huge, gargantuan blob of greatness taking form with smiles and ease and love from a community.

I know it's going to be hard and I'll have to work for it harder than I've ever worked (which isn't saying much because I was always lazy), harder than I've ever imagined I could work, but I'm going to do it. This isn't a passing fancy. This is what I was put here to do, I know it.

It's that same knowledge that leads a couple to stay a couple, they just know deep down in their core that they're meant to be together, at least for now.

I want to hear positive feedback. I want to hear people agreeing with me. I want this to come together smoothly. I want people to love it. I want people to volunteer for it. I want people to ask for it.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, especially if your children are involved. It's a sign of bravery, of strength, and it's a sign of how intelligent you really are.

I would go into detail, but that piece that's scared to death of someone jinxing it is overruling.

Just know that this is huge, and it's going to happen, despite the frowns and jeering laughs that I always hear. I'm positive on more than just that this will happen. I'm positive it will change the world.

I Figured It Out

"It" the elusive, misguided, horribly disfigured "it" is now clear. Controlled. Figured. Out.

For years I've been struggling with a decision in my life. This decision is huge, will affect me forever more.

And I finally made up my mind.

In the back of my head, I've always leaned on this, though I equally dismissed it as something that "wasn't right for me."

And actually, it's pretty perfect for me. So, without further ado, I tell you all (hi, handful! Keep reading!) what decision this is.

I have decided what the heck I'm going to do with my life. I know exactly what career I will have.

Am I telling you all what this is? No, because I've got to think and meditate on it all a bit more. Interview some people.

But I feel like everything is finally pulling itself together for me!

Oh my Oh my

So that took a ridiculous amount of time. The problem with having x amount of gmail accounts? You lose track of which one you used to login to your blog, and that causes a virtual goose chase of searching each email account for words like "blog" and "blogger" and such.

Anyway.

So I mentioned in my last post that I would love to live abroad. Abroad as in, in another country (maybe that's the actual definition of abroad? Maybe I'm using it wrong?) or in my own country, America. As long as I'm moving or getting ready to move, I just want some kind of movement in my life.

So enter GeoVisions.org, with this amazing program called the Conversation Corps. And it seems too good to be true when they have a program that lets you become an Au Pair in France for the summer (or the entire year, each way it's only $750). Now, I didn't mention this earlier, I believe, but I was born to be a nanny. From obsessing about all the Babysitting Club books to babysitting my little brother to recently (the past four years) spending the summer with my sister and her growing family, helping take care of both newborns and toddlers. And when my sister and I were discussing what I should do with my life (teacher?), she mentioned that I should become an Au Pair.

So of course I was excited and thought that this HAD to be a sign from above, me stumbling on this website through a friend's recommendation.

And then I thought "Hmm. Too good to be true. I should check this out."

So I have been. I've been reading blogs from people who have participated or will participate in the programs GeoVisions offers, along with researching the "bossman" Randy LeGrant.

If this is legit, then I'm going for it. If not, then I'm going to find out what's up and report it.