There Was A Point To This, I Swear...

So, I'm tired of being depressing.

I think my lack of a decent non-vampire sleeping schedule is the problem (not that there is anything wrong with vampires, I love them, I used to want to be one, but right now I like the image of me, older, dewy grass and gardening and making a home and baking love and such. I know, I'm sentimental.).

So I went to sleep around 9:41 last night, and woke up at 6:32 this morning! Yes!!

And as of now it's 7:40.

Let me tell you all something--I am not a breakfast person.

I adore mornings, but breakfast? Not so much. I just don't feel like opening my big fat mouth to absorb things before noon. Now, don't get me wrong--I love breakfast foods. Just not at breakfast time. That's why some of my favorite dinners were when mom mixed it up and we had "Breakfast for Dinner" nights.

Now, when I was younger, my family used to have breakfast together pretty regularly and it was a big cooking bonanza deal, with dad blaring Larry Norman or the Beatles or CCR or whatever else he felt like that morning. Mom would be chopping the potatoes for home fries, while also whisking up some eggs and frying bacon and then using the grease from the bacon to make gravy and putting biscuits in the oven and do not come in here it is a warzone just let me cook in peace!!! being screa--I mean. Being said every few minutes. Sternly.

Don't judge her on that, though. You'd do it too if you had five kids to feed and a husband who blared random oldies throughout the entire house.

Anyway, it wasn't that bad, but it was busy and loud and of course us kids would set the table and get everyone up and help with the biscuits. It was great.

So those types of breakfasts I can do.

I realize, of course, that for the past five or eight years I've been ignoring the mantra that is forcibly pushed on every schoolchild in America--Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

And Rachel Ray says that you should eat like a king for breakfast, a queen for lunch (no, that wasn't a gay joke. It could be. I do have "hagging rights" but I don't use them. Much. Anyway.), and a pauper for dinner. It's a good formula. I should use it.

But I just don't. Rather, I haven't. Starting today (yes, today), I am a new woman. I am accomplished. I am happy. I am striving to be more than what I am.

Today, I have goals.

Today, I will have pancakes.

Oatmeal Cookie Pancakes.

At first I figured we just couldn't do that because we need buttermilk and raisins and I'm at my grandparents house so while I know they have 32446313424 baking materials, I got on good word from a source that we don't have either of those ingredients so I was bummed for like two seconds.

But I told that source about this recipe and showed her it, and she (okay I will admit that the source is just my grandmother) agreed that we must do this now.

Did you know that buttermilk is just milk and a little bit of vinegar? Crazy.

This also means that I can make my snickerdoodles.

Rejoice to the Morning Gods, the Baking Gods, and that feeling you get at the start of something new.

Oooh Look! It's Done Itself!

You know that feeling you get when you sit down and stop procrastinating and actually get something done?

I AM EXPERIENCING IT.

It's smaller than the things that are larger and are screaming for more attention, but it's done and it's checked off my list and it pretty much did it itself.

It's like fuel for the bigger things, this feeling. And though I said it's small now...I have a feeling this little screenplay is gonna get really big really quick. Maybe. I raise my glass and prepare to clink; here's to hoping, and here's to dreading.

I have been ignoring the blog for a while now. I'm taking a note from my sister and eliminating the distractions, and not that you were a distraction, my dear feathery little blog, but everything else was and you got a little lost in the shuffle.

I'm off for an hour or two of sleep before I get up and go to a writer's meeting.

Yes, I am purposely trying to sound busy and professional and all importantly superior. A WRITER'S MEETING. It's not as big as the impression I'm giving you says it is. Well. Not yet.

What?

When I don't have a label anymore, what do I do?

Is there a difference between not knowing what to do and knowing there isn't anything for you to do?

Do I have to do something? Am I here in this world right now just to float along, or do I have a purpose? Do I need a purpose?

I feel like I have had purposes and I've given them up for nothing. I feel stagnant. And this isn't the first time. Sure, I'll find something to pre-occupy myself with for a while. But then this feeling creeps up on me again. It's not an emptiness, its more of a big oval of blank, beige, dullness. I've squandered away every chance I had and now I'm done.

I know, I should have hope in my future. But there is no hope, and that isn't an uncomfortable thought. It's just...there.

It sits here in my stomach and heart and head and waits for me to do something about it.

And yes, there is a pinkish red glow of a streak that is bleeding faintly across my beige board. But I describe it and it disappears again.

Someone help me?

No, it can't really be helped.

My fingers are cold and they ache.

Early

6:54am

I've been up since almost 1pm yesterday. For some weird reason, I have broken out in hives for the first time in nearly nine years. My room is ice cold, which has started me on a cold, I think. It could just be a side effect from the hives.

So I used to be this total night owl chick who would stay up all night and sleep all day, until I was actually up one morning and realized that I LIKE mornings. I am, surprisingly, a morning person. So the past two weeks or so have been awesome because I've been going to bed early (which did not harm my social networking/generally social life as much as I thought it would) and getting up early enough to enjoy the day. Until tonight.

That trip I went on to Liz's? She stays up until 3am, and sleeps 'till 11am. I would go to bed early all the time. Now, after I get home, and don't have the friend to talk to and stay up with until 3am, I stay up all night and into the morning. This is probably going to absolutely ruin my schedule.

Enough complaining, though. Look on the bright side!!! Or bright sides if there are more!! I can...well. I actually can't really come up with anything right now.

On a better note, completely not related to my weird hives/sleep rant, my sister is going to make me a layout thingymabobber!!!! WHOOOO!!!! I think. Is that what you meant, Amanda?