Let's Try to Keep This Steady, Now.

Oh my goodness gracious I have not written on this in forever.

Mainly because I've become absolutely obsessed with tumblr.

But I've gotten your comments and I thank you for them!

So. What to talk about.

Oh! Well for one thing I finally got a job!!!!!!!!

It's at Culver's, which is this neat chain of burger/frozen custard joints. The food there is excellent and I am excited to be working there!!

Also on Thursday I have a job interview for Sears, so hopefully I can get both jobs fully up and running. Oh to have money and a bank account again!!

I've been reading more lately!

L. M. Montgomery makes me cry so much, especially in the later books, when we meet Walter. I don't know what it is about that name but I love it so much; every literary character named Walter I adore, and least the ones I've met so far.

I believe you meet and absorb so much more than others believe. I think you can roll around in bed with a song and confess secrets to characters in books or movies. I believe that the stars above are ethereal beings of wisdom. I don't care what the scientists say, they are, and Caspian married one.

The main point of this being that I forgot how good books are to me. And Anne Shirley is probably one of my favorite ladies ever (aside from Ms. Gaga!). I can daydream on my own and not feel silly. I can speak in the tongue of purple prose and ignore those who would look down their noses at me for it.

Screw a semblance of normality, I'll take eaves dripping with faerie dust as the echoes of childhood call across valleys.

That's another thing--I forgot how to look at things. Observing them with the right mindset is half the point of telling a successful story. And we should enjoy the nature we have left.

I need to gain self-discipline again, control the parts of my mind that affect the mishaps in my life.

Statusi specifica--stop thinking about things that would never actually help me. aka...the boy.

Love is important, but I'm not ready and there's a part of me that knows deep down that it's not going to happen.

I do want something, though. Not necessarily from him, but from someone nice. I wonder if I could have a one-night kiss. Nothing sexual, just something wonderful for me to sigh about later.

I'm going to improve my vocabulary. This tumblr-speak thing has to stop.

Sometimes I feel like I should go off the grid for a bit.

God, if I could. In a year I'll make my move, even if it's just traveling across the USA for a month. I don't want to feel so ashamed about not being so "caught up" with normal people. So I let it slack that I didn't get a permit until I was 19, so I've only had one job for 9 months a year ago. So I sucked at school and didn't go to college.

Fuck all of that. I am going to believe that there is a higher purpose for me again, and that all of my laziness is going to be for a reason, now that I'm deciding not to be lazy. That everything will end up being good and maybe even wonderful.

Shlickyshlickyshwack

My favorite word when I was fifteen was "sublime." I hadn't heard of the band yet, because I was still very CCM, but I probably would have been obsessed with them if I had.

There's something about being a freaky eccentric non-Taylor-Swift fifteen year old that makes you emotional, stoic, and very into the dark and mysterious world of words and poetry and tragedy. Yes. You are both emotional and stoic.

It's circumstantial.

So there we are.

When I was sixteen I had moved to a new state and was still very "into" vampires. Ohhhh yes. I was/am a Twilight person. Anyway, because I loved vampires I would wear my black and red rockstar clothes with my hair all crazy and awesome, and dark rings of eyeliner with bright red lipstick.

Like two weeks later girls started to do the eyeliner/bright-red-lipstick thing. Copying? Maybe. Was I a narcissistic bitch about it? A little.

When I was ten I was a severe Christian who hated Halloween and anything not God-related.

I'll be twenty in August.

I expect I'll love throwing outfits together and wearing clunky random jewelry and throwing my hair up in different decades. And I'll be writing, and watching (not to sound like a creepy stalker or anything). I think that I'd like to go to Italy or France next year. Africa is still a definite destination. And I'm coming to love Spain too.

I don't know what this post is about, really.

LOL, FER SHERIOUS YO.

The Russian Mafia Made Me Wear A Bow Tie Today

I love going through my grandparent's house. They've got stuff everywhere, in all the little drawers and nooks and crannies, and so much of it is just passed by every day.

So yeah, I rummage. My sister kept saying that I was so "nosy" but I kept replying that I'm just an explorer.

The baby boy is crying because he's tired--I kept trying to get him to go to sleep, but he just kept fighting it. Oh well. His head bothers me. You know how babies have a soft spot on the top of their heads? Well, if you didn't know that, they do. And it pulses.

Yeah.

Pulses.

Mainly when they're hungry or crying, but it's scary to suddenly look down and see this little baby's HEAD throbbing.

Lulz. I keep feeling like I'm writing about nothing. Sorry about that. Let's think of a good topic...

You know how you end something with someone? A relationship, a friendship, a something? And you feel bad about it, no matter how bitchy or slutty those people were to you?

And then you start seeing things that remind you of them. And you know that maybe not forever, but for a while, every time you see that thing, it will keep reminding you of them. And that bad, sick, sad feeling will eat at you until you distract yourself with something.

Like double chocolaty chip frappucinos from Starbucks. And ambulances. And "samson" by Regina Spektor. It's like the existence of these things are just...tainted.

I know that this just needs time to pass. I know that I'm not some downer; a depressed emo person. Does that mean I can't be that way once and a while?

What?

When I don't have a label anymore, what do I do?

Is there a difference between not knowing what to do and knowing there isn't anything for you to do?

Do I have to do something? Am I here in this world right now just to float along, or do I have a purpose? Do I need a purpose?

I feel like I have had purposes and I've given them up for nothing. I feel stagnant. And this isn't the first time. Sure, I'll find something to pre-occupy myself with for a while. But then this feeling creeps up on me again. It's not an emptiness, its more of a big oval of blank, beige, dullness. I've squandered away every chance I had and now I'm done.

I know, I should have hope in my future. But there is no hope, and that isn't an uncomfortable thought. It's just...there.

It sits here in my stomach and heart and head and waits for me to do something about it.

And yes, there is a pinkish red glow of a streak that is bleeding faintly across my beige board. But I describe it and it disappears again.

Someone help me?

No, it can't really be helped.

My fingers are cold and they ache.

he put me on a pedestal and stared without a word

So.

This guy that I dated for a few months down in South Carolina, we broke up when I moved back to IN. And then we started dating again, on the DL. (yes I just said that.)

And then recently we decided to put our status for the world to see on FB and people were like "oh you two are back together?" Yeah, we've been back together for a while now.

So its an LDR. (Long Distance Relationship)

And it's key in an LDR to TALK to one another. It's just how it works, the only way it CAN work. So I occasionally reach out to him and talk to him and try to get him to talk to me. Sometimes it works. But the point is, he never talks to me. Ever. This is the boy who says he's in love with me, that I'm his dream girl, that I'm everything he wants in life, and he says he's too busy with school to drop me a line.

So earlier today I gave him one last chance.

"Hey, why don't you ever contact me?"

"I'm busy with school."

"Yeah. I've got a friend who's in school, is a fire-fighter, and an EMT, and we still talk, even if it's a 'hey how are you?' So. Just break up with me, because I'm sick of this."

"Fine, if that's how you feel, let's break up."

So then.

Hours later I texted him. "I don't hate you and I don't want you to hate me. Its just that in an LDR you have to talk to the person and you never did. I would reach out, and you'd respond. Sometimes."

"I don't hate you either, but you hardly reached out. But I'm not going to get into an argument over it."

Does anyone else see why he majorly sucks? Or am I just too snippy and obsessive? Because, this isn't the first time. So it's got to be a problem with me, right?

And this is why I stay single.

1--Uncertain

This road thing? It can be taken however you want. But my road is chilling in a random straw hut with a coconut drink or wiping the sweat from my dusty brow somewhere in Texas or walking through a small town where the signs advertising old little businesses are half disintegrated on brick building walls due to the new Walmart Supercenter.

My road is me, alone, being someone and picking up odd jobs to put food in my belly. I want to visit a small town and fall in love with a tiny cottage and live there for a year or two, painting and drinking lemonade on my little back porch.

I want my hair to grow back out to it's original blonde, long and in a million tiny braids like it used to be. I want my tattoos and piercings to tell a story.

I want to make friends all over this place.

And then I want to go to another country and do it all there, with those cultures and people.

Too bad you can't make money on that.

I'm young. I'm 19 as of August 2009, and I have a list of inadequacies that hinder me from talking about myself to strangers. But this is my blog where I tell all, so here goes.

1) I don't even have my permit yet. I'm almost twenty and unlike every other teenager in America, I didn't have an aching desire to jump behind the wheel as soon as I hit 15. That changes in about a week, when I become fully confident in road signage. I kind of need a license and car in order to fulfill my dreams.

2) I didn't graduate with my class. There was this senior project thing and I was never good with deadlines so I didn't turn in my research paper which meant I couldn't present my project which means I had to take summer school and there isn't a picture of me shaking the principal's hand onstage in my cap and gown. It says May 31 on the diploma, but I really graduated in July.

3) I've had exactly one job. I worked at McDonald's on Marlin Drive in Greenwood, IN for seven months, and when that had to be rebuilt I was transfered to the one a mile or two from my house and it sucked there so two months later I quit. That, however, is not the only reason I quit. Anyway. One fast food job, I wonder how that will look on my resume...

4) I'm not in college. I've been out of high school for two years (one and a half but I round up) and I'm just now seriously considering college. But I still don't really know what to do. Well. I know what I want to do but it doesn't particularly use much of a degree to do it and also the pay really sucks.

5) I never went to prom. I kinda wanted to, but at the same time, I didn't. I'd only known these people for two years because we moved from SC to IN my junior year, and honestly I'm not much of a prom-type person. I'm a ballgown person, I'm a dancing person, but I'm not a...prom person. I know that makes sense. Anyway, everyone tells me that I'll regret it, and that hasn't happened yet but I suspect one day I'll wake up with a rock of dread sitting in my stomach and realize that yes, I skipped prom, and yes, I do regret it all. My life would be so much better if I went to prom.

More things that make me weird/a bad person

(aka Things That Make Me Sound Depressing In My First Blog Post):

1)I'm a terrible friend. I don't really keep great contact with people because (and I know, this is horrible) I forget about them. Really. It's not that they aren't important, I just don't have that innate sense of keeping up with friends that most girls my age have.

2) I like being single. I know, weird.

3) I'm a total dork (not a whale penis, the other meaning). I love the geeky stuff, minus WoW and technological knowledge. I dork out over books and things.

4) I. Adore. Books. That's actually something I really like about myself, but it may seem weird to you, like it was to all my peers in high school.

5) I once belonged to Dork Club.

6) I wanted to become a director. Stage or film. But I lost interest in that after a while.

7) I made a terrible zombie movie.

8)I'm usually very indecisive. Lately I've been really trying not to be, because that hasn't gotten me anywhere so far.

9) As of this moment, I've been awake for twenty-two hours and sixteen minutes.

So there we are.

Tune in later when I talk about making my dreams come true and my shameless self-advertising of this blog so I have a semi-steady income.