Is there a difference between not knowing what to do and knowing there isn't anything for you to do?
Do I have to do something? Am I here in this world right now just to float along, or do I have a purpose? Do I need a purpose?
I feel like I have had purposes and I've given them up for nothing. I feel stagnant. And this isn't the first time. Sure, I'll find something to pre-occupy myself with for a while. But then this feeling creeps up on me again. It's not an emptiness, its more of a big oval of blank, beige, dullness. I've squandered away every chance I had and now I'm done.
I know, I should have hope in my future. But there is no hope, and that isn't an uncomfortable thought. It's just...there.
It sits here in my stomach and heart and head and waits for me to do something about it.
And yes, there is a pinkish red glow of a streak that is bleeding faintly across my beige board. But I describe it and it disappears again.
Someone help me?
No, it can't really be helped.
My fingers are cold and they ache.