Saturday, January 30, 2010

he put me on a pedestal and stared without a word


This guy that I dated for a few months down in South Carolina, we broke up when I moved back to IN. And then we started dating again, on the DL. (yes I just said that.)

And then recently we decided to put our status for the world to see on FB and people were like "oh you two are back together?" Yeah, we've been back together for a while now.

So its an LDR. (Long Distance Relationship)

And it's key in an LDR to TALK to one another. It's just how it works, the only way it CAN work. So I occasionally reach out to him and talk to him and try to get him to talk to me. Sometimes it works. But the point is, he never talks to me. Ever. This is the boy who says he's in love with me, that I'm his dream girl, that I'm everything he wants in life, and he says he's too busy with school to drop me a line.

So earlier today I gave him one last chance.

"Hey, why don't you ever contact me?"

"I'm busy with school."

"Yeah. I've got a friend who's in school, is a fire-fighter, and an EMT, and we still talk, even if it's a 'hey how are you?' So. Just break up with me, because I'm sick of this."

"Fine, if that's how you feel, let's break up."

So then.

Hours later I texted him. "I don't hate you and I don't want you to hate me. Its just that in an LDR you have to talk to the person and you never did. I would reach out, and you'd respond. Sometimes."

"I don't hate you either, but you hardly reached out. But I'm not going to get into an argument over it."

Does anyone else see why he majorly sucks? Or am I just too snippy and obsessive? Because, this isn't the first time. So it's got to be a problem with me, right?

And this is why I stay single.

This is Big

This is huge. Gargantuan.

I'm torn into so many pieces right now, but all of my pieces are racing towards the same finish line. I need help, I need people to be charitable, and I need answers, but I have it. I've got it. I can see it, I can see the buzz it creates, I can understand how it affects others. I'm both praying for a kind, wiser soul than mine to help guide me, and that no one finds out about it. But I know that this is such a good thing that I don't care how it gets created, just that it exists. So kind, wise soul, if you want to take this idea and mold it into something greater than my vision, do so. Because it's for good, and although I have realism in my scope, I love the idea of this big, huge, gargantuan blob of greatness taking form with smiles and ease and love from a community.

I know it's going to be hard and I'll have to work for it harder than I've ever worked (which isn't saying much because I was always lazy), harder than I've ever imagined I could work, but I'm going to do it. This isn't a passing fancy. This is what I was put here to do, I know it.

It's that same knowledge that leads a couple to stay a couple, they just know deep down in their core that they're meant to be together, at least for now.

I want to hear positive feedback. I want to hear people agreeing with me. I want this to come together smoothly. I want people to love it. I want people to volunteer for it. I want people to ask for it.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, especially if your children are involved. It's a sign of bravery, of strength, and it's a sign of how intelligent you really are.

I would go into detail, but that piece that's scared to death of someone jinxing it is overruling.

Just know that this is huge, and it's going to happen, despite the frowns and jeering laughs that I always hear. I'm positive on more than just that this will happen. I'm positive it will change the world.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Just because you're in pain doesn't mean that I don't still love you.
No, I don't know you, at least not very well. But that's enough to see everything that you are and can be. I wish I could love the ones I'm supposed to love as much as I love you.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I Figured It Out

"It" the elusive, misguided, horribly disfigured "it" is now clear. Controlled. Figured. Out.

For years I've been struggling with a decision in my life. This decision is huge, will affect me forever more.

And I finally made up my mind.

In the back of my head, I've always leaned on this, though I equally dismissed it as something that "wasn't right for me."

And actually, it's pretty perfect for me. So, without further ado, I tell you all (hi, handful! Keep reading!) what decision this is.

I have decided what the heck I'm going to do with my life. I know exactly what career I will have.

Am I telling you all what this is? No, because I've got to think and meditate on it all a bit more. Interview some people.

But I feel like everything is finally pulling itself together for me!

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Don't you love saying that? QUESADILLA!!!

Anyway. I've got this one song that I want to know the lyrics to but can't figure it out. It's a 50's...wait. Nope. Lost it. Oh well.

That happens a lot to me.

So I'm sitting here, thinking about blogging, because it's so much better than vlogging when you look like crap or (in my case) tend to vlog when you just get out of the shower. But there are benefits to vlogging. You can look the camera in the (its?) eye, denote the right amount of seriousness, or maybe your sarcasm is better understood. A pause and rolling of the eyes is much better than a "..." or "*rolls eyes*." Blogging is faceless. I suppose that's why so many of us do it...but then again, everyone on this site posts a picture of themselves to go along with it. Maybe you're like me, then, and can't make all the wit and awesomeness in your brain seep through your mouth like a normal person. Mine has a direct route to my fingertips.

I'm trying not to type out smiley faces. Instead I'm going to just leave my writing the way it is, humorously, and ya'll can decide for yourselves if its funny or not. Because when you're writing and suddenly your character goes ":DDDD" at the end of their sentence, its really bad. Like, REALLY bad.

Anyway. I'm gonna go get dressed and go downstairs and make me a QUESADILLA!!!

Thursday, January 7, 2010



I've been up since almost 1pm yesterday. For some weird reason, I have broken out in hives for the first time in nearly nine years. My room is ice cold, which has started me on a cold, I think. It could just be a side effect from the hives.

So I used to be this total night owl chick who would stay up all night and sleep all day, until I was actually up one morning and realized that I LIKE mornings. I am, surprisingly, a morning person. So the past two weeks or so have been awesome because I've been going to bed early (which did not harm my social networking/generally social life as much as I thought it would) and getting up early enough to enjoy the day. Until tonight.

That trip I went on to Liz's? She stays up until 3am, and sleeps 'till 11am. I would go to bed early all the time. Now, after I get home, and don't have the friend to talk to and stay up with until 3am, I stay up all night and into the morning. This is probably going to absolutely ruin my schedule.

Enough complaining, though. Look on the bright side!!! Or bright sides if there are more!! I can...well. I actually can't really come up with anything right now.

On a better note, completely not related to my weird hives/sleep rant, my sister is going to make me a layout thingymabobber!!!! WHOOOO!!!! I think. Is that what you meant, Amanda?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Vegetarian Sausage part 2

So I get on the bus, and of COURSE there are only aisle seats open because we didn't get to board earlier like we were supposed to because they combined buses or something. There was this really tall guy sitting in a seat near the front, who was dressed in black and listening to music so I think to myself "Oh, good, he won't talk to me, I'll sit with him!" So I do. And we're good for about two hours. I listen to music on my phone, I crochet a bit, I even got a few lines in in my Scribblebook. But then he had to go to the bathroom so I let the dude out and then he comes back. Around then I realized that my phone was a little low on battery, which meant that I needed to stop listening to music. And it turns out that Black Hoodie Boy was talkative.

To Black Hoodie Dude:

You are an idiot. First of all, do not open a conversation and then immediately delve into every tragedy and mishap you've had in your short 17 years on Earth. Yes, its sad that your family is all split up. Don't tell me about how you used to be teased at school so you dropped out. Secondly, when someone looks away (like out the window) and goes "oh, uh-huh. Cool. Right." that means that they don't want to talk about how your mom and stepdad raise smelly German Shepherds. Or about every dog you've liked that's died in some terrible, gruesome way. Thirdly, when you ask someone if they like to read and say you like to read too, do not explain EVERY detail about a book you like, including the ending. Especially if I said that I was interested in reading it. Fourthly and finally, dropping out of school makes you an idiot. The way you talked and didn't know what "naive" meant showed me that you are quite the sycophantic dipshit. I pity the father you never got to know and are now living with. Maybe he'll teach you how to be a tad more on the manly, intelligent side.

So then I got into the station and went outside. It was snowing. Chicago cabbies are nice, and thankfully I was talking with one who glared at the one who tried to approach me to sell me a fake broken gold ring. Thank you, Cabbie Man. He turned to me after that and said "you cannot talk to people like that, they are not right."

Thank you also to the guy who overheard me talking to Liz while she was lost and helped us find the right streets to turn on.

After all of that, we went to Liz's house. :D The next morning I was officially introduced to the Vegetarian Life. Liz has been a Vegetarian for the past eight months or so, and so we had vegetarian sausage (hence the title) and I had mini pancakes :D

The Vegetarian thing actually only lasted three days for me because I ate turkey.

Anyway, we rang in the New Year (an hour later than everyone else I knew because of the time difference) with awesome people, went to a Pocky store, and went to the Museum of Science and Industry.

Can I just say, that the first Bring It On was okay, but all these sequels are just...ridiculous.

Also, shoutout to my sister, Lipstick and Laundry. She's different from me but equally awesome, so check her out. And I love/am jealous of her layout, it's so funky and cool!